Chapter 35: Don't Touch Me
"Are you well?"
The Emperor’s sudden question caught Yan Xuerui off guard. She gazed at the figure on the dragon throne, his hair streaked with gray, his eyes sharp and piercing, conveying both majesty and a hint of tenderness that brought tears to her eyes.
She… was she truly living well?
With a loving mother-in-law above and three wonderful children below—a composed and steady eldest son, a lively and bright daughter, and a suckling infant.
She traveled in sedan chairs with guards, enjoyed fine foods and silks, and lived in a peaceful, harmonious home. At her age, her only wish was to find a wife for Ming Lan, a good match for Ming Wei, and to raise her youngest son safely to adulthood. Then, her life would be complete.
Even with Gu Yan, she had learned his temperament. By accommodating him more, all these years had passed without any need for pretense.
Yan Xuerui lowered her eyes, gently fiddling with the smooth, translucent jade bracelet on her wrist. Softly, she murmured, "Very well. The Marquis… the Marquis treats me with deep devotion. It couldn’t be better."
"Look up."
The Emperor set his teacup on the table and sighed. "You, it’s not as if you are plain-looking. Why do you always keep your head bowed and appear so timid?"
Yan Xuerui abruptly clenched her fingers beneath her sleeve, forcing a faint smile.
"This subject has been improper. I beg Your Majesty’s forgiveness."
In truth, she hadn't always been like this.
She didn't want to spend her days with a submissive demeanor either. Her spirit was unyielding, but his methods were even more so. If she hadn't learned to comply, she would never have survived. Moreover, confined to the women's quarters day after day, rarely seeing others, she had felt intensely afraid under everyone’s gaze at the last flower-viewing banquet.
Just as she began to relax slightly in front of others, he forbade her from seeing people again. Like so many times before, the matter ended with her compromise, and she forced herself to gradually forget.
Some things were better not pondered too deeply. Why make things harder for herself?
Seeing Yan Xuerui’s tense and apprehensive expression, as tightly strung as a bird startled by a drawn bow, the Emperor sighed softly and softened his tone.
"Enough, I’m not blaming you. What crime is there to forgive?"
The Emperor spoke, then ceased pressing her and instead began talking about a former favorite consort of his.
Yan Xuerui listened quietly. In the Emperor’s words, this deeply mysterious Imperial Consort Chen was an exceedingly unique woman. She didn’t come from a powerful family, was neither gentle nor demure, nor did she strictly adhere to court etiquette.
She was from the jianghu, having traveled far and wide since childhood, mastering sword arts. She could both enthrall audiences with her sword dances and single-handedly take on several men.
Her temper was fierce; even facing the Emperor, if she was displeased, her mood could shift abruptly, often infuriating him beyond measure.
She loathed injustice fiercely. While she was an imperial consort, she often slipped out of the palace in disguise. Whenever she encountered injustice, like the strong bullying the weak, she would draw her blade and aid the oppressed, never turning a blind eye.
The Emperor gave a bitter laugh and said, "She simply had no idea how to be an imperial consort."
Yan Xuerui said, "Imperial Consort Chen was a woman of true character."
Without even having met her, just from the description, Yan Xuerui felt a deep regret. Such a passionate, fiery woman had withered in the depths of the palace, passing away prematurely.
"Yes. Sometimes I often wonder if I made a mistake."
The Emperor narrowed his eyes slightly, his tone wistful. "With her temperament, perhaps not entering the palace, letting her remain unbound and free outside, coming and going as she pleased, would have been the life she truly wanted."
No one dared to judge the Emperor's decisions. Yan Xuerui still did not interject, and the Emperor continued:
"She bore me a daughter. Unfortunately, at the time, I was tied up with matters and never got to see her."
"She said she was a jade-skinned, darling little girl, with eyes and eyebrows just like hers, exquisitely beautiful."
"She said our daughter had a red mole on the sole of her foot. I searched and searched. That day, we ordered the east and west city gates sealed, and later sent the Imperial Guards to search for years, but found nothing—*cough, cough*."
The Emperor's voice grew increasingly agitated. He coughed lightly twice, and the eunuch behind him hurried forward to pat his back. The Emperor waved his hand, his deep eyes fixed intently on Yan Xuerui.
"Tell me, why is that?"
Of course, Yan Xuerui couldn't answer. She suspected her appearance somewhat resembled the deceased Imperial Consort Chen. The Emperor wasn't really asking her but was seeing a past acquaintance through her.
But the soles of her feet were smooth and unblemished; she truly wasn't the Emperor's daughter. The only scar on her entire body was from when Gu Yan had struck her with a horsewhip. Her skin was delicate, and even though she later used the finest scar-removing ointment, a crescent-moon-sized mark remained.
If she were a princess...
Never mind. Yan Xuerui dismissed the wild thought and said softly, "Your Majesty, please moderate your grief."
Yan Xuerui had an illusion that the old Emperor at this moment seemed not like the revered sovereign, but merely a pitiable man who had lost his wife and daughter. She thought and thought, then abandoned the principle of caution she had always adhered to.
She said, "I notice Your Majesty's lips are pale, and there are dark circles under your eyes. Have you been unable to sleep well recently?"
As the wife of a subject, these words were highly impertinent, but the Emperor took no offense and said casually, "With those two troublesome individuals around, it'd be strange if I could sleep well."
Yan Xuerui ignored whom the Emperor was referring to and said, "This humble one has studied the art of incense blending since childhood and is particularly skilled with calming fragrances that can soothe the mind and spirit, leading to deep, restful sleep. If Your Majesty does not disdain it, upon returning to the residence, I will have some sent into the palace."
"No need for such trouble."
The Emperor waved his hand, gradually calming down from his agitated state.
"Next time you enter the palace, bring it directly to me. There's no need to go through anyone else."
Yan Xuerui softly assented, assuming the Emperor was being cautious and not thinking further about it. She accompanied the Emperor for the evening meal. As dusk fell and seeing her anxious expression, the Emperor spoke before she could, dismissing her.
"Your husband is a pillar of the state. In this world, few women hold higher status than you."
The Emperor looked at Yan Xuerui and said slowly, "You may lift your head and speak, straighten your back, do as you wish, and do not be afraid."
The Emperor's tone was plain as he said this, like casual conversation, without any imposing imperial demeanor. Yan Xuerui's nose stung with emotion, and she nearly shed tears.
Her parents had treated her well, but it could never compare to Xue Fang.
Gu Yan treated her well, but she had to obey him, please him, to receive this "kindness." The slightest disobedience would bring punishment. Around him, she was perpetually on edge, measuring every word.
All these years, she had always been told what "not to do." This was the first time someone had said to her, "do as you wish."
"Don't be afraid."
An ocean of acceptance, which she now received from the old Emperor due to a face resembling his deceased favorite consort.
Even if it was stolen, she was content.
Yan Xuerui gave a slight bow and said with genuine emotion, "This humble one takes her leave. I hope Your Majesty will take care of your imperial health and enjoy long life and blessings."
She followed the palace maid out of Qianyuan Hall. By now, the sky was gradually darkening. The palace corridors wound and turned. After walking for a while, Yan Xuerui gradually slowed and suddenly stopped.
"Something's wrong."
She looked suspicious. "This wasn't the way when I entered the palace."
The imperial palace was vast, with a maze of pathways. Ordinarily, those entering the palace were led by palace maids or eunuchs, not venturing to glance around, nor did they remember the route clearly. Yan Xuerui had been wary; after alighting from the carriage, she had secretly noted the general direction.
Not only was the path wrong, but the direction was also incorrect—this was not the way out of the palace!
Yan Xuerui took a slight step back and glanced around. This was a deep, secluded pathway, completely deserted, with no palace maids or eunuchs in sight.
"Who do you work for? What are you trying to do?"
After the initial panic, Yan Xuerui had calmed down. This was the inner palace grounds, and as the wife of a first-rank Marquis, she had just been summoned by the Emperor. Even if someone meant her harm, they would not choose this time or place.
Though she couldn't fight back physically, she could still scream—she was not entirely helpless.
Sure enough, since she refused to move, the palace maid could not force her and instead urged in a low voice, "There's no need to be alarmed, Madam. My master would like to speak with you and doesn't mean you any harm."
Yan Xuerui stood her ground. "Who is your master?"
The palace maid hesitated, unwilling to say more. Suddenly, Yan Xuerui remarked, "You smell of sandalwood."
Coming from a family of perfumers, Yan Xuerui had a keen sense of smell. She thought to herself that sandalwood was often burned in Buddhist or Taoist temples. The current Emperor favored Taoism over Buddhism, and the palace had undergone extensive construction to establish a dedicated Taoist sanctuary.
The one who currently has the Emperor’s favor in the palace… Taoist Master Xu!
Before entering the palace, Gu Yuan had specifically warned her to stay away from this Taoist named Xu.
Yan Xuerui wasn't about to put herself in danger. The palace maid didn't dare lay a hand on her but also refused to lead the way. As the two were at a standoff, hurried footsteps approached, and a young Taoist nun in robes appeared.
"The sedan chair is waiting at the side gate. The Marquis’s household is also waiting. There’s not much time left—why haven’t you brought her yet?"
"Damn it."
The young Taoist nun muttered irritably. Yan Xuerui found her voice familiar and, upon closer look, exclaimed in astonishment, "Yao Er!"
***
As night fell, the main courtyard of the Marquis of Jingyuan's residence was ablaze with light. Maids hurried back and forth, carrying basins of hot water and towels.
"That will be all; you may leave."
Yan Xuerui’s pale face was flushed with a faint touch of color. A light sweat beaded on her forehead, and a few strands of hair stuck to her small, delicate face. Her lips were a nearly transparent pale pink, and she resembled a rain-drenched begonia flower, so fragile one was afraid to breathe too hard for fear of shattering her sickly delicacy.
Lying on the bed, she weakly furrowed her brow and asked, "Has Gu Yan returned?"
Bi He placed a hot water bottle under the brocade quilt, touched her icy hands, and replied, "Someone has been sent to the Ministry of Rites to get him. Please wait a little longer, Madam."
"Madam, you should just drink the medicine. No matter how capable the Marquis is, he's not a doctor. Even if he comes, it won’t help."
Bi He’s tone was full of concern. Earlier in the day, everything had been fine, but after returning from the palace, Madam had seemed distracted and unwell. A while later, when Bi He was summoned, she found Madam clutching her lower abdomen, pale and weak, with traces of blood visible on the bed.
Because Yan Xuerui had a cold constitution, she suffered extreme pain during her menstrual periods. As her personal maid, Bi He kept careful track of the dates—today was not supposed to be the day. Why had it come early?
At first, Bi He hadn’t thought much of it. Women had their monthly troubles, and perhaps the trip to Bailu Mountain, with its cold and damp air, had disrupted her cycle. They attended to her as usual but soon realized that Yan Xuerui was unusually pale and drenched in cold sweat—very different from normal.
They quickly called for a physician. Mr. Gao took her pulse and diagnosed her with sudden shock and excessive worry, leading to liver qi stagnation, obstructed blood flow, and blood stasis in the uterus. Combined with residual toxins in her body, it caused excruciating pain in her abdomen.
This could not be cured by medicine alone. She needed first to calm her mind, then regulate her menstrual cycle.
After a long and complicated explanation that Bi He could not fully understand, she had someone prepare a calming tonic according to the prescription. Yet Yan Xuerui flatly refused to drink it, insisting, "Call Gu Yan back."
"I have questions for him."
…
The calming tonic on the table had been reheated several times. Yan Xuerui, usually so agreeable, was uncharacteristically stubborn this time. Helpless, Bi He had the cooled medicine reheated again and gently wiped the cold sweat from her forehead with a towel.
"Madam, please rest first. This servant will go outside to wait for him."
Bi He was anxious and impatient, but fortunately, she did not have to wait long. Gu Yan strode in hurriedly, his boot tips still stained with grass from outside the city—the servant sent to inform him had assumed he was at the Ministry of Rites, but he had just received news that the Yan family had arrived in the capital and had gone to meet them, which caused the delay.
Bi He briefed Gu Yan on the situation. He frowned slightly. "How can she not drink the medicine? Prepare another dose."
Relieved, Bi He hurried out. Gu Yan pushed open the door and walked into the inner chamber with his usual large strides.
"What’s wrong this time? Let me see."
He sat on the edge of the bed and reached out a large hand, about to touch her pale, feverish cheek, when Yan Xuerui suddenly flinched like a startled fawn, turning her head away to avoid him.
"Don’t—don’t touch me."
Her dark eyes were wide with panic, and her long lashes fluttered like butterfly wings, trembling incessantly, making her small face appear even more pitiful.
She spoke with difficulty, her voice faint and weak.
"Gu Yan, I want to ask you."
Slowly, she curled up under the brocade quilt, shrinking further back into the bed.
"That year, you promised me something. Why did you go back on your word?"
"You lied to me!"