Chapter 18: The Favor of Partiality
In truth, Yan Xuerui harbored no fondness for marital intimacy. Their beginning had been too brutal; his touch invariably filled her with dread. Even now, after bearing him three children, she still found herself trembling uncontrollably.
Did it hurt? In the initial two years, her fear and resistance were palpable. His clumsy advances caused her immense suffering, and the post-coital application of medicinal ointment became a routine. She only recalled his powerful, sinewy shoulders and his chest, hard as iron. Beneath him, she would shiver, suppressing her instinct to flee, enduring it as if undergoing torture.
Later, with the advent of children, or perhaps as she matured and her body developed, the pain lessened. Sometimes, in moments of profound passion, she even felt a dizzying sensation, as if floating on clouds.
Yet, she still trembled. That fear seemed etched into her very bones over the years. She couldn't fathom why, even when her body experienced pleasure, she still felt such profound pain.
Gu Yan gently wiped away her tears, asking why she wept. She had no answer, only muffled sobs as a stream of tears flowed—some lost in her hair, others tracing paths down her cheeks, each one tenderly kissed away by Gu Yan.
…
Life is harshest for women; their joys and sorrows are dictated by others for a hundred years. As a wife, one must endure hardships. Over the years, Yan Xuerui had come to regard her duties in the bedchamber as mere routine. In her thirties, she knew that beauty, like a flower, does not bloom forever. In a few more years, she believed, she would finally find true ease.
But when that day arrived so abruptly, she was utterly taken aback—it was simply too strange.
Only a few days had passed, yet the man who had once clung to her, seemingly insatiable, had suddenly transformed into a righteous gentleman, his gaze never straying.
If he had truly embraced asceticism, that would be one thing. But when she looked up, his narrow, deep-set eyes were dark and profound, like a wolf starved for days, staring fixedly at her as if seeking the opportune moment to tear her apart and devour her.
That gaze was so intensely predatory it made her heart pound with panic. She thought it would be better to ensure he was regularly sated than to endure his ravenous hunger later. She even attempted to entice him.
Leaning into his embrace, her delicate fingertips traced his chest. His Adam’s apple bobbed, and his chest rose and fell slightly. Then… he abruptly pushed her away, his voice strained with suppressed restraint.
"Rui Er, you… you must endure a little longer."
The sound of water splashing echoed from the inner bathing chamber as Gu Yan immersed himself. Yan Xuerui, half-kneeling on the bed with her robes in disarray, felt a rare sense of confusion wash over her beautiful face.
She knew that as men reached a certain age, it was inevitable they might struggle with performance. Gu Yan had always been vigorous and robust, so she had never considered this possibility. This sudden change… was rather abrupt.
Without Gu Yan’s nightly demands, she indeed felt considerably more at ease. Gazing into the mirror, she noticed a faint rosy hue replacing her previously pale complexion. Yet, inwardly, she grew increasingly uneasy, as if she owed a debt she feared would be repaid doubly later.
Moreover, his behavior left her feeling unsettled.
Gu Yan was the man who had been intertwined with her for most of her life. She resented how he treated her like a plaything, and in the past, she had wished she could kill him with her own hands. Yet, at times, he treated her with such tenderness and importance—no one had ever been so good to her before. He gave her the partiality even her own parents had never offered.
It wasn't merely affection; it was a profound partiality, something she had yearned for since childhood but never received.
This had once caused Yan Xuerui great anguish. Later, she came to terms with it: she had nothing to offer but her face and body, which were passably attractive. Wasn't that what he liked? She endured her inner fear to serve him, to please him.
In her heart, this was akin to a transaction—"goods for payment." She offered her body, and in return, he provided shelter and protection for her and their children. It seemed fair.
They lived together as partners, and over the years, they had found a stable rhythm.
But now… perhaps due to age or some other reason, he had suddenly lost interest in her body. She no longer possessed any "tradable" currency.
Yan Xuerui’s heart was in turmoil.
…
"Madam, the eldest young master has arrived."
Bi He’s voice pulled Yan Xuerui from her thoughts. She sighed softly, adjusted her robes, skirt, hair, and hairpins before the mirror, ensuring everything was perfectly in place, then said, "Let him in."
When Ming Lan was young and unaware, he had once burst into their chamber. He might have been too young to remember, but being seen by her son in such an undignified state made her instinctively straighten her appearance whenever she saw him.
"Mother, are you well?"
Ming Lan, having been warned explicitly and implicitly by his father, was respectful toward his mother but dared not be overly familiar. If he visited the main courtyard too often, his father would scold him for being too engrossed in domestic matters and drag him to the training grounds for a "workout." Proud of his youthful prowess and considering himself a seasoned young general, he had been thoroughly humbled by his father.
The older ginger is spicier; he still had much to learn. This experience made Ming Lan more composed and diligent. He added an extra half-hour to his morning training and often sparred with Gu Yuan. His second uncle had said that his skills were on par with his father’s; once he could defeat his second uncle, he would have the confidence to challenge his father.
Since childhood, his father had been a steady mountain in his heart. One day, he would surpass him.
But until then, Ming Lan knew his place. After bowing, he consciously took a seat in a chair somewhat distant from Yan Xuerui and said respectfully, "What matter brings you to summon me, Mother?"
His father had been particularly irritable lately, and he was struggling to cope.
"Ahem, Ming Lan."
Yan Xuerui took a sip of the tea her son had offered, weighing her words carefully before tentatively speaking.
"The days pass so quickly, and you’re already seventeen. You’ve been away with your second uncle often, and I’ve neglected you."
These words were too significant and heavy. Ming Lan quickly stood to apologize, feeling utterly unworthy of such a sentiment.
Though he was often away, how could he not know his mother’s heart? Before he turned twelve, she would hold him in her arms, gently stroke his forehead, fan him in summer, sew clothes and socks for him in winter, and stay up with reddened eyes when he was ill. Even after following his second uncle to the northwest, the monthly letters and clothing she sent… Ming Lan would never admit that during his first year in the northwest, he often teared up upon receiving his mother’s letters.
How could she have neglected him?
Yan Xuerui smiled and had Bi He help him back to his seat. "Silly child, I was just speaking casually. You’re so young, yet more rigid than your father."
Father and son shared similar features, and whenever Yan Xuerui looked at Ming Lan, she couldn’t help but think of Gu Yan.
Her smile faded slightly, and she stopped beating around the bush. "It’s natural for a young man to admire beauty. You’ve reached the age to take a wife."
"Tell me, what kind of woman do you like? Give me an idea so I can help you find a suitable match."
Ming Lan showed none of the shyness typical of youth. Without even lifting his eyelids, he replied solemnly, "I leave it entirely to you, Mother."
With arranged marriages being the norm, given the status of the Marquis of Jingyuan’s household, there was no need for political alliances. He simply needed to choose someone his mother approved of.
"What say do I have in this?"
Yan Xuerui set her teacup down with a clatter, her beautiful eyes widening. "Marriage is a lifelong matter. You’ll be living with your wife, so you should choose someone you like."
Otherwise, how would one endure the long nights, the autumn winds, and the frost and snow of a lifetime?
Ming Lan pondered for a moment before saying, "Family background doesn’t matter. Otherwise… just choose someone gentle and agreeable."
He was often away, so he needed a wife who could manage the household, respect his mother, and above all, have a gentle temperament.
"Good, I understand."
Yan Xuerui made a mental note and continued, "What else? What about appearance and temperament? Height and build? Be more specific."
"Gentle and agreeable" was too vague. Inquiries would likely yield ten out of ten families describing their daughters as "gentle and virtuous"—finding one who was rebellious would be nearly impossible.
Ming Lan frowned slightly, unsure why his mother was suddenly asking this. He spent most of his time in military camps with Gu Yuan, where women were scarce and the environment was overwhelmingly male. Just this morning, he had been practicing stances on plum blossom stakes in the training grounds, focusing on strengthening his lower body. He truly hadn’t given much thought to women.
After thinking hard for a while, Ming Lan said, "No need to trouble yourself. Just… someone like you will do."
Yan Xuerui: "…"
So Ming Lan preferred beautiful women.
Well, appreciation of beauty is human nature.
Yan Xuerui breathed a small sigh of relief—so it seemed Yao Er was the only one with such feelings?
She asked tentatively, "Is there someone in the household you like? Someone by my side, or perhaps from another courtyard..."
"Mother, what kind of person do you take me for?"
Ming Lan couldn’t help but interrupt, frowning as he said, "I respect and love you, Mother. I would never break the rules."
After all, even a rabbit doesn't eat the grass near its own burrow—how could he set his eyes on someone serving his mother and put her in an awkward position?
At this, Yan Xuerui was completely reassured. After exchanging a few more words, she sent Ming Lan off with a smile. Then, she had Yao Er brought to her.
She had originally planned to let Yao Er leave the estate along with the next group of servants to be released, but now it seemed she could no longer keep her around.